Tuesday, February 06, 2018

It Ain't Perfect

I've been listening to a lot of speech
Listening while they speak
Wondering whether its them or me
Who's got it all together
Whether we're bond or free
Whether we'll ever agree
Tired of pretending
So I let 'em be.

Wondering which one is wrong
All the while knowing that it Ain't me.
Knowing and searching deep in my soul
For an ounce of compassion; there's none that I see.

Who will I be
When its all said and done?
denying myself
Yet yearning for fun
Missing my people
Then wanna be alone
Ain't talk to no one
Won't pick up the phone.










Friday, February 02, 2018

Pentecost

It's dark in here. And very cold. A hollow sort of cold. An empty cold. With no refreshment or joyful exhilaration that makes you want to run around to stay warm. No. This is a dead cold.

There are too many of us packed together in this room- we're packed together tightly and very afraid. Yet I'm lonelier than I've ever been. Like there's a void or a tear within the earth itself and all that was light, and good, and comforting is being sucked into it.

He left so suddenly, and with him he took all my peace. It's not just me. And it's not just us. I think the whole world can feel this emptiness... because there is no sound. There is no movement. There is only stillness and waiting.

I can hear them all breathing and occasionally someone shifts in his seat on the floor and the shallow scratch of his sandal rubbing across the clay distracts and annoys me.

I can't tell if my eyes are open or closed anymore-the darkness is so complete. And every now and again there are little pinpricks of light that dart across my vision- like when one rubs his eyes too hard and causes that dull pressure in his skull to protest and send bursts of light to the back of his eye lids.

There's a sound. There's a sound like the howling of a mighty wind cutting through the branches and needles of a pine forest. And it is growing louder. Unbearably loud. It's overwhelming.

I keep expecting to be caught up in the storm and tossed about, but everything remains still. Except that now all of our eyes are open, and I can see their eyes because there is light. Real light. Like fire bursting upon the heads of all those around me. Flames dancing and growing- stretching and lifting toward the ceiling.

We're standing now with our heads cocked back staring up at these tongues of fire that are bursting from the tops of each of our heads and uniting into one big flame. It grows brighter, grows whiter, until I'm certain we will all go blind.

When our bodies are so cocked back that we are in danger of falling over backwards, the flame consumes us completely, and blasts from out the room. Surely the entire earth is engulfed in flame. Surely the whole world is consumed in fire. How long we stood there, shuddering in the light!

Then the light draws back. We can feel it rushing back toward us. The wind! The howling wind! And with no sign of slowing the light enters us. Through our mouths and eyes and ears. Through our skin and our beating hearts, the light infuses us so that there are beams of light erupting from our bodies. We are glowing.

Then we begin to speak. And we haven't stopped speaking. We are consumed. We are compelled.

See my only relief from the fire within is to share it with you- to have you bear it along with me. For it to consume us both. For it to consume us all.

Saturday, January 06, 2018

A moment

It took her a while to finally look down at her hand. She'd been so preoccupied she didn't even notice the blood pooling underneath her fingernail. Now that she thinks about it, her finger does smart a bit.
She has a bad habit of picking at the skin around her nail--searching for a loose end that she can tear off. And once she's done it, she wonders why and vows never to do it again.

She will no doubt do it again.

Monday, August 21, 2017

Confession

I believe the fire is reserved for me
No way around it
It's hard to break free
From the terrible truth
That I'm not who I seem
And the life that I live is not all
Peaches and Cream,
But anger and lies
Both big and small
And cravings that contrast
My Heavenly call,
and there's no way for me
to accomplish it all:
To be faithful and gentle and truthful and calm
To be kind and be generous and patient and strong.
And I sink with the pressure
that I feel from above.
So instead I confess it,
And hope for the best
that when it's all over
that I pass the test
And all of the worrying
And all of the striving
Was a very good effort
But unnecessary writhing
cause all that I needed was to confess with my lips
And believe with my heart that I'm a piece of shit
And that I needed a Savior who could clean up my mess
And that he would accept me and love me
And take care of the rest.
(Funny enough I know this to be untrue
because Jesus himself said,
"I don't know you.
If you don't do the things I say to do,
you're a stranger to me,
And I to you.")

Saturday, August 05, 2017

Forever this way--
Anxious and afraid.
This is my new normal
This is my day to day.

Compulsion

It tears from my throat
like a hand with steel claws
is dragging my voice and my soul
out from my mouth.

There's no rest
from the clenching of my muscles,
like a spasm with no sign of relief.

My body is trapped-
painfully still
head tilted back
and mouth open wide.

"Holy holy holy
is the Lord God Almighty,"
never ceasing
never waning.

The only movement
is the flapping of my wings.
A reflex from the pain,
they tear through the air.

I'm not alone.
There are millions of us
lined up and down
this golden room

And at the center He sits
and watches
and its been this way
since forever
and will be this way
till forever more.

Saturday, June 17, 2017

I am the Suburban Mom

I am the Suburban Mom
Always chipper and running around
From practice to tutoring
I'm the best mom in town.
And every so often
When I flip completely out
And lose my cool,
And act like a clown,
My lawn is still manicured
With long green fescue,
And my 2.5 kids
Pose perfectly for our family pictures.
And when I am dying inside,
Feeling helpless and totally alone,
My smile shines brightly
In selfies I took on my new iPhone.
I am the Suburban Mom
Making my life look perfect
Like its my job.

I was inspired to write this as I was reading a completely unrelated book. I scribbled it quickly on the back cover and now its here. Forever. 

Saturday, May 20, 2017

You may not know this

There was a time when I knew so many people in this space. We would read each other's writing and comment and share and critique. For years. I think there are still communities like that. I just fell out. And now when I look back to find those friends, they're no where to be found. They've stopped writing or they've cancelled their pages. And yet here I am.

There was a time when I would have hundreds of posts every year. Now I average about 1/mo. Isn't that something? Have the words all dried up? Has my life become so stagnant that there's nothing left to write?

Anyway back to the part that you may not know. There's a hidden menu to the right of this page and when you hover over it, a little file cabinet pops out labeled "remember," and then you see a list of years filled with posts dating back to 2005.

2005. 12 years of writing. I mean I've been writing longer than that, but those writings are mostly lost. I'd kept them in notebooks that I'd decorated with magazine cut-outs and puff paint. They're probably decomposing somewhere. But here on this page are 12 years of recorded writings, posts, rants, memories, jokes...

I was 19 years old. In college. A party girl with a 4.0 living in New Orleans.

Now I'm 31. Mother of 2. I've been married 11 years and have been living in Raleigh for 7 years.

Its a lot.

I was reading through my writing last night. Reading through the years.

Its a lot.

Friday, May 19, 2017

So many drafts.

lots of words to say
to express how I feel
In my day to day
But I refuse to hit publish
For fear that its rubbish
So instead I hit save
Close my laptop
And walk away.

Thursday, April 20, 2017

Panic

It's come back-
That empty feeling
That's not empty at all,
But hollow and tumultuous
Like something's stirring
More like something's emerging
And banging on your sanity's walls.

It rises
To just about the top of your lungs
right about when you're going to scream
or choke
Can't breath
Tears jerk
And you use all your strength
To keep it in check
And most of the time it works.

Then,
At least for me,
Right about when I forget to breathe
And my panic makes it hard to see
Reality
I call on words to make sense of it all
To help me stamp it all
Brand it all
With something that I can understand
Then I write it out for y'all,
My foes and my friends,
To glance at when you've got a sec
And think, hmm it doesn't make much sense
and you quickly move on to the next.

Saturday, April 01, 2017

Impulse

It bubbles up inside
Like the fizzy carbonation
of a soda pop bottle
Shaken and tipped
On its side.
Ready to explode
But kept inside
by a small cap
Screwed on tight.

Wednesday, March 29, 2017

Still still.

I have found it increasingly hard
To think as of late.
And because of this ennui that I hate
I sit and impatiently wait
fidget
flutter
and flail
I implore of my muse
inspiration
And motivation
to no avail
So here I sit still
For the truth to slowly unveil.

Sunday, March 12, 2017

Echoes

A tiny sound that stretches across vast spaces
Filling them with vibrations and waves 
Overwhelming them with reverberations 
Is now taking place in my brain. 

Monday, January 30, 2017

Prayer Mantra

Today when the anguish and anxiety was rising up inside of me, I instinctually blurted out (in my mind) “worry about nothing, pray about everything,” and then immediately started praying. It just made me realize that because of my formal Christian education since childhood until graduating college, I was instilled with prayer mantras that I could call upon instinctively because they had been engrained into my mind. I need to provide that for my girls--scripture so engrained in their minds that they can call upon it even in the most desperate of times! 

Monday, January 09, 2017

Sharp Turns

My steady breathing
Belies the unsteady beating
Of my anxious heart.

Thursday, November 10, 2016

Unclear Path--Poets United

Its hard to see on days like this
Days when all the world's haze
Is spent up in one silent hiss
In one giant mist
Left standing and wondering
Where you went amiss
Or perhaps you're right where you're meant to be
Only its so hard to see
On days like this.

Thursday, November 03, 2016

LeeHern (August 2008)

The compliments I barely pay
the "I love you's" I forget to say
day-
in
day-out
on the roof-tops
I should shout
how much you mean to me,
but instead
I say things I don't mean
just to be mean
scream
plain not nice
blame you for my vice
when truth is you've been
nothing but
twice
the spouse I wish I could be.
I love you for who you are
I love you for what you're not.
and if I could change you
I wouldn't trade one
spot,
or trait.
God made you--
perfect.
You're my fate.
I've done things
to make it hard
to keep going,
but we're gunna
keep on flowing.
I'm gunna keep on showing
second to minute
minute to hour
that a family can get better
even one like ours.
 

Spiritual Gifts


Today I took a spiritual gifts test. It was like 105 questions long, but I got through it. Here are my top 3 Spiritual gifts:


Discernment
The Holy Spirit gives the gift of discernment to enable certain Christians to clearly recognize and distinguish between the influence of God, Satan, the world, and the flesh in a given situation. The church needs those with this gift to warn believers in times of danger or keep them from being led astray by false teaching.  See also I Corinthians 12:10Acts 5:3-616:16-181 John 4:1. 

Teaching
The Holy Spirit gives certain people the spiritual gift of teaching so that they would help the church fulfill her ministry as “a pillar and buttress of the truth” (1 Timothy 3:15).  Without this gift, the church would quickly fall into error and sin.  Teachers are there to make sure that doesn’t happen.  They hate when Scripture is abused and used out of context or with ill intent.  They love the truth and speak the truth in love.  They will never hide or withhold it.  On the contrary, they desire to follow in the footsteps of Jesus who taught in the synagogues and in the Temple as well as anywhere the people were gathered.  They are called to demonstrate God’s love while revealing His truth to the world without fear.  The effect of their ministry is the upholding of God’s Word and the growth and maturity of His Bride until the day of His return.  See also Ephesians 4:111 Corinthians 12:28Romans 12:7James 3:1

Knowledge
The Holy Spirit gives this spiritual gift to some believers to bring about understanding and to inform the church or individual believers.  The person with this gift is usually well-versed in the Scriptures and often has much committed to memory.  They can retain the truth and communicate it effectively at the appropriate times.  The gift of knowledge allows a believer to relate the Scriptures, and particularly the Gospel of Jesus Christ, to all aspects of life in this world.  They can see how it connects to every situation and circumstance and how the reality and truth of the Gospel is to inform every decision a Christian makes.

courtesy of spiritualgifttest.com

Wednesday, October 05, 2016

Underwhelmed

I'm learning
That I'm lacking
And yet I've no yearning
Or desire
To correct my failures
Nor am I inspired
To find what it requires
To be a slightly better
Version
Of the person
I was hoping
Would be the person
I'd turn out to be.

New Creation

She lies.
She lies in a pool of viscus blue.
Her hair strangely billowing, slightly matted, slowly waving in the goo.
She's being made new.
Slowly transformed, reality askew.
But way back when,
Before she Knew
She would breathe in sex and cheap booze.
She would breathe in sin and daisy dukes.
She ate nothing but lust and lies
And spat out anyone in sight.
Out with the old.
In with the new
She's sprouting gills.
And she's seeing true
Who knew
That this day would come
But this is only day one.
Many more to come
Painful shifts
And setbacks
And slow drifts
And comebacks
Praying hoping that her good side has won
Then sometimes wishing she were back
Behind the sun
Back in the darkness
Back in the fun
Back in the shadows
Cutting to run
To where
And to who
She hasn't a clue
But until then
She lies in the blue
Being made new

Thursday, September 15, 2016

It hurts more this way
Seeing the pain on your face
Watching your hope fade away
Hearing you insulted day after day. 

Wednesday, September 14, 2016

Calling

Once in a while
I'm sitting back
Looking at myself
Look at the world.

Sunday, March 13, 2016

Thursday, March 03, 2016

Barking

At this point the dog has been barking for 70 minutes...straight.

**Update**

The dog has stopped barking after 85 hell-on-earth minutes.

Wednesday, March 02, 2016

Axiomatic

7But when [John the Baptist] saw many Pharisees and Sadducees coming to watch him baptize, he denounced them. “You brood of snakes!” he exclaimed. “Who warned you to flee God’s coming wrath? 8Prove by the way you live that you have repented of your sins and turned to God. 9Don’t just say to each other, ‘We’re safe, for we are descendants of Abraham.’ That means nothing, for I tell you, God can create children of Abraham from these very stones. (Matt 3:7-9 emphasis added)

You say you have faith, for you believe that there is one God. Good for you! Even the demons believe this, and they tremble in terror. (James 2:19)


Thursday, February 25, 2016

"[He] walked in a divine sense of rest..."

'[He] walked in a divine sense of rest. Like, 'You know what? Everything is going to be okay. The Lord is still on the throne. We're gunna make it." Larry Stockstill on his recently departed father of 97 years, Pastor Roy Stockstill.


Below is a memorial of a holy man, who lived a long and blessed life. It is inspirational for me to hear of his joy and rest. You may not know him, I didn't either, but I have experienced the legacy that his obedience to God has created.

Wednesday, February 24, 2016

How safe is too safe?

Jesus' words were bold. They were brave. They were true. Jesus himself was the Word of God--the word God used to create the universe--made man. And our Heavenly Father entrusted to us that very same Word to be proclaimed to all the nations of the Earth.

In Matthew 28, often referred to The Great Commission, Jesus spoke to his 11 disciples and commanded them:
 Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you.
As Christians, we are vessels of the Word of God.  We have to believe that the same saving power that God's word had for us, it will also have for others. We don't need anything else. Therefore, we do not need to sugarcoat, pussyfoot, elaborate, apologize for or defend it. All we need to do is "testify" to it.

But how can we make disciples if we ourselves aren't disciples? How can we proclaim the Word of God when we don't even know the Word of God.

God wants us to have hearts as pure as children's hearts, but an intellect of an adult--he wants us to have a mature understanding of Him. Therefore in order to make disciples, in order for us to become new creations "we must cultivate a hunger for the Word of God."1 We have got to read his Word, and Thanks be to God, His word is free to us! (Of course there are places where the bible is not accessible, but in most of the world, we can access 100 different translations of the bible just by using our smart phones.)

I'm being challenged in this area of my life. I want to be transformed and yet I'm not allowing the transformational power of the Word of God to enter my life. I'm not saturated with his Word. If God created Light and Sky and Water and the entire UNIVERSE by using his words, how transformative can that Word be when its full creative power is unleashed within me?

Filling the Void

Its has only been 2 weeks since Lent began, and I feel desperate when I see how much time I have left. I also thought that by breaking my addiction to social media and other media, that I would have been a healthier person, but I'm not. Maybe I've not given it enough time, but I find myself replacing social media with other just as unhealthy things.

See Lent is not a time just to abstain but also to take up. You remove something and fill the void with Christ.

That's what I've been missing.

I'm realizing now that when you remove something from a crowded space, that space doesn't remain empty. Something else comes in to fill it (even if it is just air molecules). This happens in our lives. If you take something out, you have to be intentional about putting something healthy and good back in. Because the space does not remain a void. It will be filled.


Monday, February 22, 2016

Repentance

I'm reading Bonhoeffer in my spare time at home, and listening to C.S. Lewis' Mere Christianity on Audible in the car. Funny enough both were recently touching on the theme of Repentance.

Enjoy!

"Now what was the sort of "hole" man had got himself into? He had tried to set up on his own, to behave as if he belonged to himself. In other words, fallen man is not simply an imperfect creature who needs improvement: he is a rebel who must lay down his arms. Laying down your arms, surrendering, saying you are sorry, realising that you have been on the wrong track and getting ready to start life over again from the ground floor-- that is the only way out of a 'hole.' This process of surrender--this movement full speed astern--is what Christians call repentance. Now repentance is no fun at all. It is something much harder than merely eating humble pie. It means unlearning all the self-conceit and self-will that we have been training ourselves into for thousands of years. It means killing part of yourself, undergoing a kind of death... Remember, this repentance, this willing submission to humiliation and a kind of death, is not something God demands of you before He will take you back and which He could let you off if He chose: it is simply a description of what going back to Him is like. If you ask God to take you back without it, you are really asking Him to let you go back without going back. It cannot happen. "C.S.Lewis, Mere Christianity Ch4 pg 59-60

"The Gospel is protected by the preaching of repentance which calls sin sin and declares the sinner guilty.  The key to loose is protected by the key to bind.  The preaching of grace can only be protected by the preaching of repentance." Bonhoeffer


Bonus Bonhoeffer quote (page 272) that relates to my recent post, which you can read by clicking here.

"We must be able to speak about our faith so that hands will be stretched out toward us faster than we can fill them... Do not try to make the Bible relevant. Its relevance is axiomatic... Do not defend God's Word, but testify to it... Trust to the Word. It is a ship loaded to the very limits of its capacity!"

Metaxas continues, "He wished to impress upon his ordinands that when one truly presented the Word of God, it would undo people because it had the innate power to help them see their own need and would give the answer to that need in a way that was not larded over with 'religion' or false piety. The grace of God, without filter or explanation, would touch people."



Saturday, February 20, 2016

page 361

Charles H. Jr.,

You checked out a book back in June of 2014. I found your bookmarker today. A little piece of your forgotten past has amalgamated with my present. 

I wonder did you ever finish? Or did you stop on page 361? Did you stick the hold receipt somewhere in the book when you checked it out, then never getting around to reading the almost 600 page Bonhoeffer, simply return the book to the library without so much as flipping through its pages? 

Anyway, it was cool running into you today on page 361. Maybe I'll catch you again later? 



Monday, February 15, 2016

Our Lord and Savior who?

So I was helping to lead worship this Sunday. It was the first week of a new series called Heart Attack, which takes a look at our relationships and things that wage war against them.

We had a number of things go wrong this morning from microphones not working and buzzing during worship, to our pipes freezing, to the computer crashing numerous times... so many system breakdowns that it would take a post all on its own to address them all.

But if I were to point out the Number 1 thing that went wrong on Sunday, it would have to be me.

At one point during our worship set, I felt compelled to pray. I wanted to express to our congregation that the only perfect love they will ever experience is the love of Christ. But when it came time for me to speak I got scared. I started second guessing myself. I started to think that my prayer was too radical for the unbelievers or new-to-faith in the audience. That the word Jesus Christ was too offensive.

So instead I said something like, "Thank you for the perfect love that only you can give, our Lord."

It wasn't until this morning that it hit me!

The ONLY message that an unbeliever or new-to-faith NEEDS to hear is that Salvation comes through submission to Jesus Christ.

If we preach that message every single Sunday, it would never get old because it is the ONE and ONLY thing that saves souls from entering the gates of Hell!

Every message we preach, every song we sing, every prayer we utter should at its very foundation be about salvation through Jesus Christ!

Nothing has been revealed to me more clearly. If we go a single Sunday morning service without even touching upon the saving power of the blood of Christ, then we have not done the will of God. If nothing we say invites an unbeliever to commit his life to Christ, then we might as well pack up and leave the building.

One should never be scared, ashamed, or intimidated to share the GOSPEL--the Good News--that God sent His only Son, Jesus Christ, to LIVE as a man and to Die on a Cross, offering himself as the perfect sacrifice as atonement for our sins, but that is not all--3 days after he died on the cross, he rose from the dead! And whoever should believe in Him will not perish but have Eternal Life!

I pray to God to give me the strength to allow this to be at the heart of everything I do or say! I ask him to fill me with His mighty power and that through the holy Spirit, I commit myself to pray bold prayers--never again allowing the devil and his lies to penetrate my worship again.

Friday, February 12, 2016

My Reader

My daughter reads until her body falls to exhaustion almost every single night. We sleep with our doors open, so I can hear the distinctly sharp rustle of pages turning until past midnight. 

I reprimand her sometimes--I go into the room and demand she close her book and fall asleep. 

Then sometimes I don't. I just let her read until she falls asleep--whatever time that may be. 

See I remember being a little kid who would read under her covers using a flashlight--scared my grandma would wake up, catch me reading late at night, and force me to close my book. She loved me deeply and felt that my sleep and my studies (of which success relied on me not being tired at school) were more important than whatever book I was reading. 

I bet there were plenty of times she knew I was reading under the covers and didn't say anything. Probably for the same reason I don't say anything to Lia--because she knew how much joy and happiness it brought me. 

Here's a picture of my 9 year old reading a biography on Condoleezza Rice with her Encyclopedia of Marvel Comics open on her pillow. 



 

Thursday, February 11, 2016

False?

So I finished the" Draw the Circle, 40 day Prayer Challenge" book last night and realized today, after looking for another book in my bookshelves, that I own a lot of Mark Batterson's books, "The Circle Maker," "In a Pit with a Lion on a Snowy Day," and "Draw a Circle Around Your Kids."

I figured they are all small books, and I could read them fairly easily and get a spiritual refill! So this morning I sat down to read "The Circle Maker."

But as I read chapter 1, a slight discomfort kept nagging at me. Especially when he wrote this, "With the authority of the prophet Elijah, who called down fire from heaven, Honi called down rain." 

Who is this Honi the Circle maker that this guys keeps talking about?
Is he in the bible? If this Honi speaks with the same authority as Elijah, how had I never heard of Honi before?

So I did a quick google search. Turns out many Christians have a problem with Mark Battersons' Christian books on a Jewish legend not found in the bible. 

And while I think the prayer challenge is really good and the book very well written and even inspirational, I do have a slight issue on his basing the whole thing on a legend, which is not biblical. 

Some sources call it heretical and Mark a false prophet. I don't know if I would go that far. 

But it does place enough reservations in my spirit that I'll hold off reading his other works until I look into it further. 

Sunday, January 24, 2016

Enjoy

I took this picture of these beautiful tiny pink flowers yesterday from a bouquet I bought. It's a little punch of color in this cold,  white, and gray world outside.


Saturday, January 23, 2016

Feeling exposed

I used to not have an issue expressing what I wanted so passionately to say. Not putting it into a poem or making it rhyme, but just typing it out plainly and bluntly. I've become completely neurotic about what others think about what I've said. Will they look too deeply? Will they misinterpret? Will I offend? Will I sound like an idiot? Will what I write affect my career? Will it affect my relationships?

I mean it absolutely consumes me. 

I've recently been tasked to write a small blurb about myself to go with a picture of me on a website. And I can. not. get. it. done. 
I second guess every word choice, every sentence, every single train of thought. Should I mention that I'm passionate about delving deeply into the word of God? Oh man, what if the other people didn't put anything like that, then I'll sound so arrogant! What if they just put that they like knitting? Do I have any PASSIONS like knitting... obviously not knitting, but something like it? hmmmmmMmmmMmMmmMMMmMmmMMmmMMm
Nothing.
Ok. Let me take out passions and just put that I sing in the band..... but what if that undermines my other role. Should I mention my other roles to reinforce my experience with the organization? hmmmm probably not.

And on and on and on it goes.

See I've come to realize as I've gotten older that you can't just say what you want and there not be consequences--even as small as the knowledge others have about you--the insights they glean. Those are consequential.

I've come to treat this space--a cyber-space that I've maintained since I was 19 years old, as a place to hold my most cryptic poems that expose but don't tell what is on my mind. 

Funny thing is that barely anyone reads this, and yet I'm more afraid of exposure than ever before. 

Friday, January 08, 2016

Destined



how would you know
that somewhere far away
there's a girl with all the words
but with nothing left to say?


Wednesday, November 04, 2015

My yoke is easy and my burden is light

Easy
Ease
Gentle
Cool Breeze,
Yellow and Red
Falling
Leaves,
Tall and thin
Blades of Grass
Bending softly
Against the wind.
Long, slow kisses
And soft firm skin
Wavy locks
Of hair that blend
Blonde and brown
And black and gray.
Everything
I see today
Pushes the darkness
Farther away.

Tuesday, October 20, 2015

Put myself out there


Didn't let the flat tires deter me
From setting out into the warm sun
And the cool breeze
Clear skies
And a new lease
On life
With fresh eyes
and my soul set free
From the darkness that was cast upon me.


Sunday, October 18, 2015

There it is

Took a minute
But now I see
What I was missing
Was humility--
The power to make
My life and wants smaller
All while making
Your greatness taller,
Bolder,
Stronger,
Right to the front
Of my mind and my thoughts.
See I knew something was wrong!
I had belief
But no love.
I had knowledge
With no awe.
And it took one dancing child
With her arms raised high
And her joyful smile
And her gleaming eyes
Bursting with gladness flowing from inside
To remind
Me of the happiness that comes
From being a child of the most high one.
So here it goes:
"Glory Glory Glory
To the Lord God Almighty,"
As I join with the chorus
of the Angels on high
That with every breath
Proclaim with pride
That they surrender their lives
To their Lord Jesus Christ.

Wednesday, October 14, 2015

I went home

I recently traveled back to New Orleans after being away for over 3 years. I didn't take my husband or kids. It was just me---traveling solo.
And it was the most liberated I have felt in ages. I was able to visit everyone i wanted for as long as I wanted without having to feel guilty for leaving my kids to be taken care of or having to beg Lee to come along. I was in complete control.

I went to a wedding and danced.
I went to a bar and played pool all night.
I drove to the lower 9th, to arabi, to marrero, to kenner, to terry town, to boomtown casino!

Just everywhere.

The love that I received was overwhelming. People who love and miss me were just lavishing me with attention and nothing on this planet could have prepared me for it.

Trust me, I feel like God brought us to Raleigh and he has plans for our lives here, but what I have back in New Orleans is special. I have history and deep affection. I forgot about that...

Wednesday, October 07, 2015

Challenge pt 1

I decided to challenge myself to write something happy. But I needed inspiration. So I've put together a series of photographs that I've taken through the years and allowed them to take me back to that place--of joy, or warmth, or peace, or contentment. 



Dappled
Beneath the broad and cool canopy
Of your heart-shaped leaves
Once deep burgundy
Have now turned green
Peaceful and quiet
tranquil yet defiant
Through the rustles and creeks
That the wind
Uses to welcome and greet.



Sunday, October 04, 2015

Mini-breakdown

My mind is in a state of change--
insecure and unfastened.
My spirit slightly broken,
Bruised, and disheartened.
"You think too much" 
"You push too much"
"Just let it go"
"Just let them be"
And deep inside I keep wondering
"Why does it always have to be me?"
The one to apologize
The one to adjust
The one to bend
And the one to rush
To take on so much
For those who care so little
And with every breath
Condemn and belittle
All that I do
And all that I care for
Without any concern for the time
And the effort 
I invest in this chore?
Give me a break!
My goodness, My God!
I do this because I love.
And I don't need any thanks or any praise
But some Grace
Would be nice.
And some flexibility 
Would be great!
And just like the words on this page
All blurted out and spewed all over
My hurt is dulled
And my spirit glazed over
With the numbing mist
That it instinctively applies
When little chips and little hurts
Expose the tender me inside.
Mending and strengthening
Until the next injury arrives.

Wednesday, September 30, 2015

I am silent inside

They search for her. Without rest. Navigating under mossy limbs of large cedars. It is dark. The blackness of the trees and the moist green moss creates an intoxicating--dizzying--feeling. And all the while they call out for her. Nothing.

She hears their calls. But the light behind her eyes has died.  "I am silent inside," she whispers to no one.

Saturday, September 12, 2015

Pent Up

I can feel it in the deepest parts of me
Coiled and harnessed--threatening to break free.

Sunday, August 30, 2015

Ps 46

God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging. (Psalm 46:1-3 NIV)

When I'm in trouble
When I'm feeling weak
When I'm all alone
And the ground beneath my feet
crumbles.

When I'm attacked and talked about
When I'm accused and lied about
When I'm overlooked and forgotten about
And when every step I take,
I stumble.

I press.
I press into what I know
Not what I feel
Not what I see
And not what I hear.

I press into your presence
I press into another day
I press into your word
And I let the rest slip away

I press into who you are
And what you've done for me
I press into what I've learned
And let the rest go free.

Then even though I'm angry
And even though I'm sad
and regardless of my attitude
I know I'm not all bad

I know that I am loved
I know that I am trying
I know that I've been wronged
And I'm going to stop relying

On others to do right by me
On others to be by my side
On others to be fair to me
On others not to lie
On others to love me
On others to forgive
On others to think of me
As much as I think of them





How do you know?

Do you think you know me?
Do you think you know who I am?
Do you think I lay it all on the line?
Then you believe a lie.

Wednesday, August 19, 2015

A couple months back

I wrote down almost every word that was racing through my mind. I typed them into my phone, and now I'll post them here.

From June 4, 2015 12:14 AM


Half-truths


Apologies for half-truths
Aren't even truthful apologies
Cause you can't even own up
That you're a liar.

On the Inside


I wish I were more like you
Nothing but light on the inside
Every time I open my mouth
Nothing but kindness comes out.

In the Darkness


My eyes are sore
My head is throbbing
My body wants rest
But my mind keeps running
And crashing
And tripping
And skidding
Over every word and glance and.....

Words


It's hard to organize my thoughts
My words are all compounded


Sunday, July 26, 2015

My head hurts

I feel this pressure
It builds around my temples
And then slowly moves toward my eyes
Its a sign
That my brain is failing me
That I've pushed the limits of my consciousness
That my body is betraying me and desires
That which I abhor
The unconscious
The nocturnal amnesia
Sleep.

Thursday, July 16, 2015

Searching for Beauty

Recently someone posted a video on my wall of a young lady who was dressed in a tiny bikini that she was bursting out of while proactively dancing. The video is shared mostly to make fun of this young girl, who is on the heavier side, as she "gyrates" her body for the whole world to see. One of the commenters on the video defended and congratulated the young lady for having the self-confidence to dance and showcase her body--regardless of her size. But in reply someone else wrote this:

"eso no es seguridad ,es exhibicionismo....una persona segura de si misma no haria tal cosa...ahora en estos tiempos la seguridad es sinonimo de no tener verguenza y hacer tonteras...punto..."

To translate she says:
"That is not self-confidence; it is exhibitionism...A person who is confident wouldn't do such a thing. In these times confidence is synonymous with having no shame and doing foolish things...period..."

Plastering your half naked body (regardless if you're a size 2 or a size 22) on the internet is not a sign of confidence because people who are self-secure do not need the validation of strangers on the internet. They only need know their identity in Christ (as a friend of mine likes to say). You are beautiful because beauty is intrinsic and universal to all God's creation. It doesn't matter your size, your complexion, or any other physical trait. Beauty is within.

Thursday, June 04, 2015

Year 9


On year 9
I wasn't thinking about me or mine
I was thinking about you
And yours
Praying and planning
To bring life 
To give more
To bring peace
To implore
You to seek love
And instead you bore
Into me.

Always Then

For a moment she could hear the waters softly murmuring as she laid in the darkness--their gentle lulling enveloping the slow exhalations of the one beside her, until it had swallowed them whole. He had listlessly drifted into the cool current of Lethe--leaving her alone on the shore. Her torment both physical and mental were sending raking tremors through her, although she remained perfectly still. She was paralyzed by her terror-her constant companion, the reel looping endlessly in her mind.  The visions of what had passed continued to play before her eyes, so that now was meaningless. There was no now. Only then. Always then.